The Conspiracy
by Kiona76
Summary: Harry Potter had always envisioned Hogwarts to be his home and loved it dearly. However this year, things have changed. Someone is being naughty and causing everyone to act slightly different...Ch.18 up! Plz R
1. Harry and The Homeless

-1**Chapter one: Harry and The Homeless**

Harry awoke in an alley looking around in hopes he would see one of his friends. The wind grazed his face as he noticed a homeless man starring at him. The homeless man spotted Harry and gave him a wink. Harry gasped afraid, not knowing what to do. The homeless man smiled at Harry's confusion and came toward him. Harry looked away trying to avoid the man's eyes, but it was too late and the homeless man grabbed Harry by the head and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Harry threw up.

"You know you want some…" The homeless man said, watching Harry retch, "You can't fight a homeless man's love."

Harry wiped his mouth with his sleeve and kicked the man in the balls. Strangely, Harry didn't feel anything down there to kick.

"Oh my!" Cried Harry before swiftly pulling out his wand. The man smiled as he looked at Harry's….

"Oh shit!" Harry exclaimed. He quickly put his penis away and grabbed his real wand that let out small moaning noises as he waved it around.

"That's no wand!" The homeless man said laughing, "That's my boyfriend's penis!"

Harry yelled and threw 'the wand' and ran away screaming his head off. He didn't get far because another homeless man grabbed Harry in an embrace and began to fondle Harry's items…

"No means no!" Harry bellowed while breaking free of the man's wandering hands. He began to walk quickly not looking back when he realized the weird fondling of his groin hadn't stopped. Looking down, he saw a hand with no arm attached grabbing his crotch.

"Oh shoot, I forgot! All homeless people can detach their body parts!" Harry exclaimed, throwing the hand at the wall.

Harry continued to run, but suddenly he tripped on a stray butt…

"Ah!" Harry yelled and kicked the butt, but the butt attached to Harry's foot and would no let go.

Suddenly, Harry was staring at Hogwarts castle. The butt must have been a portkey and when it farted he was sent to Hogwarts! Looking around he noticed everyone heading to the castle. School was starting and Harry's school year was about to begin. Harry sighed relieved. There were no weird homeless guys at Hogwarts and no detachable butts. Harry walked up to the castle not knowing what lay ahead. Noticing Hermione by the back of her head, he began to approach her but stopped when he noticed something. She was kissing someone, but who? Coming closer he realized that it was none other than Draco Malfoy and they had their tongues in each other's mouths.

"Oh my god!" Harry cried out, "What the hell is going on?"

Hermione ignored Harry. Her and Draco got so into the kiss, they fell over. Next thing Harry knew, Hermione and Draco were doing the do.


	2. Confusion

-1**Chapter two: Confusion**

"OMG, OMFG! BLEH! BLEH!"

Harry turned around and saw Ron who was clearly disgusted at the sight. He kept saying, "Omg, omg, bleh, bleh. Bloody hell!"

Ron and Harry watched as both Hermione and Draco went at it, doggy style. Quickly running into the great hall, Harry and Ron watched as everyone in the great hall had sex. Male on male, female on female, male on female, Filch and Ms. Norris…Harry blacked out.

Harry woke up and blinked his eyes. It was morning. Harry tried to get up from bed, but something was on him and it was heavy…

"BLOODY HELL!" Harry yelled as he noticed that Ron was laying on top of him.

Harry lay there petrified. Looking around, Harry found his wand. "Windgardium, leviosa!" He said, and lifted Ron off him. As Harry began to get up, he gazed around the room and saw Neville throwing clothes out the window, naked!

"Neville! What are you doing?" Harry asked, looking down, and then realizing he was naked.

"I'm throwing all our clothes out the window. Dumbledore's orders!" He said happily, shaking his butt.

"Omg! What the hell is happening!?" Harry cried out. He then ran out of the room into the common room. Everyone was nude! Harry glimpsed a naked Hermione and began to laugh.

"Hermione has lovely lady lumps." He said and Hermione smiled and stretched out her arms revealing very hairy armpits.

"Jeez Hermione! You could braid those things!" Harry said surprised.

Hermione shrugged and looked away. Harry walked out of the common room and into he hallway to find a very old, very nude and very saggy Professor Dumbledore walking by.

"Umm, Professor Dumbledore?" Harry asked, "What's going on here?"

Dumbledore did a weird grotesque pose. Harry barfed. Dumbledore watched Harry closely.

"You know Harry…" He began, "It is good to see you again." He began to inspect Harry's nudeness.

"Ew!" said Harry, before he quickly went running down the hall. On the way, he noticed a door was open and from inside the door Harry could hear some very awkward and very pleasurably loud moans coming form inside. Easing forward he opened the door to find…

Professor McGonagall and Mr. Filch both naked and doing it. Mrs. Norris was also joining in. Harry gasped and ran. McGonagall and Filch didn't notice and him and continued their sexual party…

Grossed out, he entered a classroom. Sounds began coming from a large wardrobe. Opening it, Harry was stunned with disgust.

"Professor Snape! GET OFF THE OWL!" He cried.

Snape jumped. He got off the owl and scowled at Harry for interrupting.

"Potter!" He shouted, covering his privates, "Why aren't you at the welcoming feast? My god…" Harry turned away.

"I'm sorry professor." He said and ran straight into peeves.

Peeve was humping Crookshanks.

"This place has gone fucking mad! And hold on, I thought Dumbledore died in The Half-Blood Prince…" Harry began to think hard, no longer paying attention to Peeves and his awkward Barbarian sex sounds…..


	3. The Hoax

-1**Chapter three: The hoax **

Harry walked his nude self to the Great Hall. Harry kept pondering why Dumbledore had made everyone nude this year, and why was he alive? And why was Snape here? He killed Dumbledore and ran, right? Harry suddenly walked straight into Malfoy.

"Watch it Potter!" He exclaimed, "I don't want you to hurt my precious!"

Harry looked down at Malfoy and saw a huge penis.

_Whoa!_ Harry thought, _that's huge!_ Harry couldn't help but feel turned on….

Realizing he was getting a little….bigger, Harry and Ron quickly ran outside to find a very large and hairy gorilla.

"Oh wait! Is that you Hagrid?" Harry asked politely. Hagrid turned around to reveal that his entire body was covered in hair. Usually you never saw it 'cause of his clothes.

"Hi Hagrid! It looks like you got a new dog!" Harry said happily, trying to forget Malfoy. Hagrid laughed.

"That's no dog Harry!' He said, "That's my…um…well, you know." He started to blush.

"OMG, OMFG!" Harry bellowed, "Hagrid! Why is everyone acting so odd and HORNY!? I just don't understand! Please Hagrid, help me! And quit touching yourself!"

"Oh, sorry 'bout that." Hagrid said. He grabbed a curtain nearby and put it over himself. "I can't tell you why this happening, Harry." Hagrid said, "It's a surprise for the feast. Dumbledore will tell us."

Harry nodded.

"Oh Harry!" Hagrid started again, "Come down to my place later with Ronald and Hermione…"

"Alright, but only as long as you don't try to touch us or anything. Well, actually you can touch Ron, I think it will enjoy it." Harry said, "Bye Hagrid!"

Harry ran off into the great hall and noticed that the feast was just about to begin. Sitting by Ron and Hermione, they waited to see what Dumbledore had to say. They also watched as Neville touched himself…

"Neville!" Hermione said, "Stop touching yourself! I'm losing my appetite!" Neville stopped.

"I was beginning to get an appetite by watching him." Ron grumbled. Hermione to him to 'shush' and Dumbledore appeared at last in front of the school.

"Good evening!" Dumbledore announced to the Great Hall, "I am Dumbledore! As you all know, I died last year and Snape killed me. Anyways, I have an announcement for Harry Potter. Harry, it was a hoax! Everything that has happened wasn't real! Everything we did in your life, well, we blamed it on some dude named Voldemort, that isn't even part of the show. That's right, this is a television show! Ha-ha, I can't believe you fell for it, you loser! You're not a wizard, and you have no friends! We had Ron sleep with you to get good ratings! Ha-ha, you're all alone in the world, and you fell for it! Ha-ha!" Dumbledore fell to the ground laughing, nude.

Harry sat stunned. _Omg!_ Harry thought, turning pink, _What the hell? Is this true? Am I on a show? How can this be?_

"I was never told to sleep with Harry for ratings…" Ron said, confused.

Harry began to think.

"What about my magic?' Harry asked.

"You have no magic, it's just really good colorful lighting." Dumbledore explained.

"Really. Hmm, why are you telling me this?" Harry asked, looking around at everyone.

Dumbledore laughed, "Well, they are canceling the show, so we need to act out the fight thing… The producers want you to die. You know, take one for the team."

"That doesn't sound too good…" Harry said. Harry looked to Hermione and Ron.

"You'll help me, won't you?" He asked his two friends.

Hermione and Ron smiled. They've been friends for six years, how could they not help?

"Of course," Hermione replied, "Not. We were only hired to be your friends, sorry."

Harry began to cry.

"Ha-ha!" Hagrid laughed, "You're such a dumb ass!"

Harry covered his eyes into his hand when out of nowhere a stage light fell from the ceiling and hit him unconscious.


	4. More Confusion

-1**Chapter 4: More Confusion**

Harry awoke in the hospital wing, Hermione by his side.

"So I'm TV.?" He asked.

Hermione looked confused, "I don't know what you're talking about Harry…" She said looking away, "It's all in your head…."

"I didn't know he had a head…" Ron said puzzled. Harry looked around. Everyone was wearing clothes again.

"Why aren't you guys naked?" Harry asked, getting up, "Where's Dumbledore, and Snape's sex pet?"

Hermione and Ron looked at one another confused.

"I don't know what you're talking about, and why would I be naked?" Ron said, "And, Dumbledore is dead."

"Omg!" exclaimed Harry, "It must have been a dream! You were there Hermione and you too Ron!." Harry looked down and realized his pants were wet. Hermione had already noticed.

"How exciting was this dream, Harry?" She asked, smiling.

"Umm, well, let's just say that I saw things that I've never seen before…" Harry explained blushing.

Ron laughed, "Like what? You checking out Hermione naked in the dream?"

Hermione blushed and Harry grinned, "How did you know?"

"Harry!" laughed Hermione, "Well now that you're better, maybe we should go down for breakfast."

Harry looked around, "How did I get here anyways?" He asked.

Ron shrugged, "Umm, a stage light didn't fall on your head or anything…"

Harry smiled, "Good…" They then left for the great hall.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat down at their usual table. Harry looked up to see…

"Dumbledore!" Harry exclaimed, standing up, "I thought you were dead!'

Dumbledore laughed, "You fell for it again!" He said peeing his pants, "You're such an idiot!"

"What!?" cried Harry, looking around in disbelief.

Dumbledore continued to laugh, "You're such a fucking idiot Harry Potter! And wait, your name isn't even Harry Potter, it's actually Beavis Cocks! Ha-ha!" He laughed out, before throwing off his clothes and doing a jig.

Harry sat there stunned, again. How could this be? He looked at Ron for comfort.

"Don't look at me, Cocks!' He exclaimed, throwing a chicken leg at him.

Hermione laughed, "Man! Thank god I got this job, before this, I was a stripper with seven kids. And I had crabs!" Hermione began to rub her boobs while doing a jig.

Harry ran out into the trophy room and touched the Triwizard portkey and flew to the cemetery.

"Nice special effects…" Harry/Cocks said. Cocks wandered past graves, depressed.

He would love to just die now…

"Hi Harry!" A familiar voice said.

IT WAS VOLDEMORT!

"Harry! I'm so, so excited to kill you later!" He said. Out of nowhere, a man runs up with Starbucks and hands a coffee to Voldemort.

"I said VENTI you fucking little silly goose!"

Harry gasped. _No! Not my mortal enemy_, Harry thought. But then suddenly, Harry had an idea.

"Hey Voldie!" Harry called out, "Can I have Starbucks too?"

"I guess so, you silly goose," Voldie flipped out his pink razor cell phone and called someone, while Harry stood there thinking about what he would do. He is a muggle, and nothing more. But then again, he was special. A special young man whose parents actually sacrificed themselves for T.V. Beavis Cocks was a loser…

"Harry!?" Voldemort called, putting the person on hold, "What type of coffee would you like?"

Harry thought a moment, and replied, "My name is Beavis Cocks, and I would like a Cappuccino." Voldemort giggled at the name, and walked away, chatting away on the phone. In the meantime, Harry picked his nose….

For some reason, Harry decided to go back to Hogwarts. He grabbed the trophy and was teleported back. The special effects were awesome!

Looking around, Harry/Cocks saw that the trophy room was empty. Sitting down he began to pick his nose once again. And boy, he really got his finger up there! He could almost touch his brain. He was really trying hard to pull out a huge ass booger!

"Cocks!" A voice called out as Harry finally pulled out the booger, "Get your fat ass over here!"

Harry looked around and saw Nearly Headless Nick.

"You're not real…" Cocks mumbled, "It's just special effects…damn, it's some awesome effects…"

Nearly Headless Nick shook his head and said, "No Cocks, I mean Harry! It's a hoax to make you think that!" Nick groped Harry.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, groping him back casually.

"I'm talking about them making you think you're on a T.V show." He replied, rubbing his nipples.

"You mean I'm not!?" Yelled Harry, "But Dumbledore! He's alive!"

"Harry. That's not Dumbledore, or Snape. Dumbledore is Tonks and the other's are her friends. Harry, it's April Fools day. Don't you look at the calendar? Wow, you really are a fucking loser." Nick said.

"Oh." Harry said, shocked, "I don't have a calendar…"

Nick shrugged, "That sucks." Nick began to rub Harry's privates…

"STOP THAT!" Harry giggled. Nick stopped and floated away. Harry got up and laughed. He laughed so much, he crapped his pants.


	5. A Battle?

-1**Chapter five: A Battle?**

Later in the common room, he, Ron and everyone else, had a good laugh and fell asleep. Harry awoke suddenly of the sound of a distant giggling.

_What was that? _Thought Harry, getting up and dressing. Harry headed out into the school halls and put on his invisibility cloak looking around.

"Hello?" He called, "Who's giggling?" No one answered. Harry shrugged and sat down and went ahead and did himself.

Gazing around, Harry noticed Moaning Myrtle staring at him. Zipping up his pants, Harry stared back.

"Harry! Listen to me! You are in danger! Voldemort is coming tomorrow morning! And he is bringing his Death Eaters with him!"

"How do you know this?" asked Harry, crossing his arms.

"Well, because I just got a new Myspace account and added him as my friend. Then he posted me a comment…" Myrtle replied casually.

"Oh. No one added me as a friend…" Harry mumbled.

Myrtle shrugged, "You're not cool enough I guess…but you better be worried more about Voldemort than online relations!" Myrtle flew away.

_That's right! _Harry thought suddenly, _I never got my cappuccino and Voldemort must be pissed that I wasted his money for nothing…_

Freaking out, Harry gathered up the school and began to prepare for what might be the final assault. Spells were flying at small dummies and kids were scared. Running back to Hermione and Ron, he tripped on his penis and crashed into McGonagall.

"POTTER! WATCH YOURSELF!" She exclaimed, "This is no time for games! Prepare to fight you dumb ass!" And she ran away. Harry got up, and pulled out his wand. Voldemort would be arriving shortly…


	6. Unexpected Pairing

-1**Chapter six: Unexpected pairing**

As Harry took out his wand (after first accidentally groping his groin) he watched all around him as everyone prepared themselves for Voldemort's arrival. It could be mere minutes that the crazy wizard would appear….

BAM!

The front doors burst open, and out came Death Eaters and a very smelly wizard.

"That's impossible!" Neville cried out, watching the figures come into the castle, "Hogwarts is protected by spells and crap. How could you break through?"

Voldemort and his Death Eaters laughed.

"Little boy." He said, addressing Neville, "Who really cares about that kind of shit? If I'm here, I'm here, no time for pondering when your life is in danger. If you really want to know how I got in, I'll tell you." He started to pace and he licked his lips, touching himself. The kids in the hall gasped and covered their eyes as Voldemort began to strip as he talked. "Okay," He started, "I walked up to the gate which asked, 'who are you, and why are you are?' and I smartly replied, 'I'm a cute little fairy and I'm here to bring a quarter to a young man whose lost his tooth' and the gate said, 'you may enter you kind creature' and I did and laughed. The End."

Harry frowned and walked up to Voldemort, "That's a stupid story…"

Voldemort whipped his penis out on Harry, "Shut up, you stupid gay boy!"

McGonagall rushed over and kicked Voldemort in the shin.

Voldemort hopped on one foot. "You bitch!" He said, "I can't believe you would actually harm me! The greatest! The most wonderfulest!'

"Excuse me." Hermione said knowingly, "Wonderfulest is not a word…See, it's underlined as red in the Microsoft word…"

Voldemort caught sight of Hermione and smiled, rubbing his chest as he did so.

"You're hot!" He exclaimed, staring at Hermione, "Maybe, you would like to get some Starbucks with me later.." He winked.

Hermione blushed and nodded.

"This is going nowhere! What kind of crappy story is this!?" Ron yelled out, pointing his wand at Voldemort, "Let's do this shiznit!"

Voldemort sighed and put his clothes back on, "Okay…" He said, crestfallen.

Harry prepared himself for the worst when…

'Oops I did it again' blared through the halls.

"What the hell?" George Weasley said, stepping out into the center of the room, "What kind of bloody fight is this? A dance off?"

Voldemort cheered, "Good idea! The loser gets killed by me and or Lucius Malfoy!"

"You've got to be kidding me…" Harry said, shaking his head, "What the heck is this school coming too this year…"

"You dick face!" Draco Malfoy called out from across the room, "This isn't real! It's television! We told you!"

"I know it's a prank! An April fools joke!" Harry retorted back.

"You're such a whore! It's not even April, you stupid furry banana!" Draco said, grabbing a live chicken from his pants.

Ron started to laugh, "DANCE OFF, WEEEE!"

Hermione walked up to Harry and said, "Malfoy is lying, he's trying to trick you again."

Harry frowned. He didn't know what to believe…

Sirius suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began to dance with Voldemort, naked.

"Sirius!" Harry called out, confused, "What the bloody fuck is going on…?"

"Who cares!?" Ron said joining in and taking off his pants, "This is fun! No classes! This is the life!" he began to do a jig that looked like…

"This is just disgusting!" Harry said above the music, "I'm leaving!"

McGonagall stopped him, "This is just some weird prank Potter! You shouldn't worry, well…I don't know.."

"That makes no sense!" Harry screamed out, "What the heck is going on?"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked to Harry.

"What is your guy's problem? We should be in class, or eating breakfast, or even fighting to the death! But no! We're having a dance off with horrible music and dancing!" Harry yelled out to everyone, "I can't take this! I can't take the nudity, and the touching of ones self!"

Voldemort and a few other people laughed. Harry frowned and crossed his arms.

"Harry…" Voldemort explained, holding Harry's hand, "This stuff… it doesn't need to make sense. It's just fun and different. You know, it's fun to be random as randomly possible."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN!" Harry burst out. He let go of Voldie's hand and rushed away.

However, Ron jumped in front of him and stopped him.

"This is a stupid fan fiction, what do you expect?" Ron asked gently, eyeing Harry.

Harry gagged and ran outside. Voldemort followed him.

"Harry! Wait up you silly goose!" He said following Harry, "I want to help you solve the questions you are asking."

Harry stopped, "Like what? You're one of my questions…"

Voldemort shrugged, "What better person to answer that question than the person of which the question is about?  
"Huh?" Harry asked, his mind spinning.

"Who cares, I want to help you find out who is behind this joke and we can kill him, okay?" Voldie asked

"Oh screw you!" Harry said, putting his right hand on his hip.

Voldemort looked excited, "Really!? You want to? Let's do it!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY!" Harry replied, gagging again.

Voldemort sighed, looking disapointed, "Okay…just jumping to conclusions again."

Harry sighed

"Okay." He said suddenly, "I will go with you and figure out what to do."

Voldemort clapped his hands, "Oh joy! Let's go to my place!"

Harry nodded and they left.


	7. Voldies House

-1**Chapter seven:** **Voldie's house**

Harry and Voldemort decided to ride broomsticks to Voldie's house. However, they didn't have any on them. So instead, Voldemort offered that Harry ride on his back and he'll use a flying spell on him. Harry shrugged and jumped on. It was like riding a horse, only that the horse was flying, and it was Voldemort. Voldemort giggled as Harry rode on top of him. Harry just frowned and wished that it would be over soon. It took 20 minutes to get to Voldemort's house. Harry jumped off, relieved that it was over, and followed Voldemort into a pink cottage with flowers painted on. Harry laughed to himself as he walked inside. Voldemort entered and sat down on a fuzzy leopard spotted sofa and patted down next to him for Harry to sit. Harry sighed and sat down. Voldemort looked ecstatic.

"Well now." Voldemort said, pouring Harry some champagne, "Isn't this cozy?"

Harry blinked, annoyed and Voldemort put away the cham-peg-in, as Voldemort had called it, and resumed his spot on the couch.

"So, we need to kill some dude, right?" Voldie asked, putting a hand on Harry's knee and stroking it.

Harry brushed away the hand, "No, but I want to know who it is that made everyone so crazy! I mean, what the fuck?"

Voldemort shrugged and wrapped his arm around Harry's neck and said casually, "Maybe we should talk about this later…Let's go to my room for some rest…"

Harry jumped off the couch and gagged, "Hey man!" He said to Voldie, "I'm not like that, okay? I'm in love with Mrs. Norris!"

Voldie gasped and stood up too, "I knew it! Everyone loves felines! They're so irresistible!"

"Yea, yea" Harry said exasperated, "You gonna help me form a plan or what? I want to punish the idiot that made everyone so horny and crazy and then I want you to help me plan a way for me to win Mrs. Norris's heart!"

Voldie clapped his hands together with delight, "Sounds like a party!" He exclaimed in a girly voice, "Let's do this action!"

For the next hour, both Voldemort and Harry got to work on a plan. They were going to use a very crazy spell that would help track down the person who, as Voldemort thinks has, cast a spell on everyone in the castle. Afterwards, they were going to make a love potion and give it to Mrs. Norris in her morning milk and zap! Mrs. Norris would be in love with Harry instantly. Both Voldie and Harry were satisfied with the day's work and went to sleep. During the night, a horny Voldie kept trying to enter Harry's bed. Harry, who knew that Voldie would try that exact thing, put mouse traps around his sleeping area. Voldemort did not see one on his way over, and it clamped hard onto his privates.

"OMG, IT BURNS!" Voldie cried out, at 4 in the morning on his 5th attempt to cuddle with Harry, "MY PRIVATES ARE A FLAME!"

Harry got up and laughed at Voldemort. "You deserve that you twisted old man!" He said, giggling.

Voldemort began to roll on the floor and he was foaming at the mouth. After a few minutes of watching, Harry got bored and undid the trap. Voldemort sighed with relief and began to rub his groin with a Barbie doll…

"I'm not an old man!" Voldie yelled at Harry, once the pain disappeared, "I'm only…..79! Dumbledore was like….134 when he died! I still have a long way to go!"

At the sound of Dumbledore's name, Harry began to cry. He missed his little headmaster buddy.

"Don't cry Potter." Voldie said, patting Harry on the butt, "What's done is done, crying won't undo it…"

Harry stopped crying and looked to Voldie. He looked so kind and gentle…and yet…

"DON'T TOUCH MY PRIVATES!" Harry screamed out, as Voldemort's hand casually got closer to his groin, "I SAID I'M NOT LIKE THAT! I BELONG TO MRS. NORRIS, DAMMIT!'

Voldemort sighed, "I understand…"

Harry nodded, "Good. Now let's go ahead and do the crazy spell, so we can track down the idiot who cursed the castle into being horny."

"Okay." Voldie said, "Let me get my wand and some condoms…"

Harry went outside and waited in the cold morning. After what seemed like forever, Voldie came out of the cottage and showed Harry his condoms.

"Ooh look! This one is chocolate flavor _and_ it glows in the dark!" He said, looking like a little kid in a candy store.

Harry just rolled his eyes and him and Voldie made their way into the forest in which Voldie lived by.

Voldie did some weird movements with his wand and a spell was cast. A map appeared before them and they saw that it was a map of Hogwarts. The map could tell if a person was feeling guilty or nervous. It was like a lie detector, only in map form and it could detect hundreds of people at once. It was like a Lie Detecting Marauders Map.

"That's wicked sweet!" Harry said looking at the map, "Now all we do is go interrogate people who feel nervous and what not and maybe get laid in the process!"

Voldie smiled at young Harry and nodded, "You will have to do that on your own unfortunately. I'm a mass murderer so I don't think they'll let me in…"

"I understand that." Harry said, "I just hope they stopped the dance off…"

So, they both headed toward Hogwarts. Once at the front gate, Harry noticed on the map that Neville was feeling nervous. Harry decided to check him out first. Voldie gave the map to Harry, and Voldemort left. He was going to start on the love potion. Harry took a deep breath, and headed up to the front door.


	8. One Night Stand

-1**Chapter Eight: One Night Stand**

Harry walked into the castle and walked around. It only took him a minute to find Neville. He spotted him crying in a corner of an empty classroom. Silently, he eased his way in the room. Creeping up, Harry grabbed Neville by the buttocks and pulled him up with a fiery vengeance. Neville screamed with pain and fright.

"You know you like it like that!" Harry said with a smile, watching Neville get up from the floor.

As Neville got up, he began to blush and started to cry once more.

"Oh Harry! You caught me!" cried Neville pulling his knees to his chest as he sat down on one of the desks.

"Ah ha!" Harry exclaimed, "So you're the one who put an evil spell on the school which has turned everyone into CRAZY NONE COMPREHENDABLE HORNY BEAVERS!" yelled Harry, adjusting his bra that he had put on earlier for grins and giggles.

"No!" Neville retorted, "I'm just as horny as everyone else! LOOK!" Neville said, vigorously humping Harry's leg.

"Damn. If you're as horny as everyone else, then it couldn't have been you that put a spell on the castle…" Harry said, rubbing his chin thinking, "But wait! Why are you so nervous? And why are you crying? TELL ME PUMKIN!"

Harry leaned back and watched Neville hump his leg.

"Well…" Neville started, "I'm wearing a magic thong and it got so far up my ass, I can't get it off. Also! The little sparkles on the thongs lining have come off and reached into my groin and now I'm chaffing like CRAZY! MY GREAT BIG BALL IS ON FIRE!" Neville cried, ceasing the humping and started to scratch his crotch.

Harry stood there silently.

"Okay…" Harry finally said, "Um…hmmm. This is a little awkward and uncomfortable…" And he ran away, hoping that he would forget this incident in the morning.

--------------------

The next day, Harry woke up. But wait! When did Harry go to sleep?

_Flashback_

Quickly running down the hall to get away from Neville, Harry stared at his Nervousness map.

_Hmm…_ He thought to him self, _Who should I interrogate next?_

Suddenly, "_STUPIFY_!" Cried Ron Weasley.

Harry was knocked out. Ron stood there and watched with Ms. Norris at his side.

"Okay Mrs. Norris." Ron said to the cat bending down, "I did it, he's out cold…So do I get," He started to whisper, "The stuff?"

"Meow!" Mrs. Norris replied, dropping a bag of pure cocaine at Ron's feet.

"You're a saint!" Ron exclaimed, before taking the bag and walking off. As he walked, however, he hit a wall but kept going anyway.

Now, Mrs. Norris and Harry were alone. Mrs. Norris smiled and…

♪ _**Bow chika bow wow** ♫_

Mrs. Norris had her way. She had her way five times….

_End Flashback_

As Harry got up from bed, he felt a piece of paper on his chest. Being able to read cat writing, Harry read:

_Harry,_

_I just feel we are going in other directions. You were good last night, but Filch can give it to me better. It's been fun, by babe!_

_Love From, Mrs. Norris_

Harry sat there silently. Then, out of nowhere, Harry began to shout.

"MY LOVE! MY LOVE! WHY, OH WHY?! Why do these one night stands keep happening to me? First Uncle Vernon, now Mrs. Norris! Oh , the pain! Oh, the agony!….hmm, I think I peed myself…ooh…"


	9. Big Hairy Mess

-1**Chapter Nine: Big hairy mess**

Harry got up and changed his wet pants. As he changed, he kept telling himself to forget Mrs. Norris and that he should move on. Besides, it was the spell that made Harry want Mrs. Norris anyway. Once the spell was off, he would no longer have these urges towards the cat. Harry rushed down the steps and found himself in the common room. He spotted Ron who was sitting alone in the corner, reading something. At that moment, Harry remembered that he should be interrogating people today. So, Harry took out his handy dandy map out his pocket and watched it carefully. Sure enough, the Ron dot on the map was glowing red. Harry smiled and went over to see Ron.

"Hey Ron!" Harry said, sitting beside Ron at the table.

Ron jumped from surprise and hid the parchment he had been reading down his pants.

"Hi Harry! What's up?" He replied, acting as if nothing had happened.

"I need to talk you to about the current situation of the school." Harry said, speaking in a dull roar, "Wanna walk?"

Ron nodded, "Yea, but let's go to Hagrid's. I need to show Hagrid something."

Harry shrugged, "What the hell?"

They both made their way down the grounds and to Hagrid's hut. They knocked and entered as Fang's barked echoed through out the land.

"What can I do for ya?" Hagrid asked, taking a seat by the fireplace even though it was hot out.

"I need to show you something real quick." Ron replied, taking Hagrid with him into the corner.

Harry was confused. _What the bloody hell is going on? _Harry thought, as he saw Hagrid reach down Ron's pants. Ron giggled as Hagrid took out the piece of parchment. Hagrid sat down to read and Ron sat on his lap, stroking Hagrid's leg. Harry gagged and looked away. He spotted Fang in his bed and went over. He gave him a pet on the head and Fang licked his hand.

"Good boy." Harry said to the dog as the dog got up and started to hump Harry's hairy back.

"BAD DOG, BAD DOG!" Harry began to scream out. He started to slap Fang, but Fang would not stop.

Hagrid and Ron soon noticed, and Hagrid came over with a condom and handed it to Fang.

"FANG! BAD DOG! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT WITHOUT THESE!" Hagrid bellowed, handing Fang a pack of pink fuzzy condoms.

The dog barked, and went to sleep in his bed.

Hagrid sighed, "Sorry 'bout that." He said to Harry, "He's been actin' weird lately…"

"Everyone has!" Harry said, "Everyone is horny!"

Hagrid blushed and looked away, "I don't know what you're talkin' about." He began to pat Ron's ass.

"See!? Like that!" Harry said, pointing downwards.

Ron squealed and hid behind Harry.

"Hagrid's a naughty boy!" He said, his face red with a grin.

Harry sighed, "I need to see if you guys know anything about that spell that has done this to us. Do you guys know?"

Suddenly, Ron and Hagrid stopped laughing.

"Uh…I don't know…" Ron said, "I…who am I?"

"Ah-ha!" Harry said, "I knew you'd do this Ron! You must have picked this spell off of George and Fred's joke shop!'

Ron looked to Harry, "What? No, I didn't put a spell on the castle…I thought you were talking about the cocaine thing…"

"Cocaine?" Harry asked confused.

"Yea!" Hagrid said, "Someone around school has been giving up cocaine to the students. I don't know who though…"

"I do." Ron said, "Mrs. Norris. She has like, PACKS of cocaine. I'm serious….."

Harry raised an eyebrow, "How would you know?"

Ron shrugged, "I heard it on the news…"

"You cereal?" Harry asked, "The news? That's fucking crazy!'

All three of them laughed.

Suddenly, Harry sighed, "Oh great…We're all high too along with being horny…"

"Mrs. Norris puts the cocaine in everyone's food." Hagrid said, "I heard it from Ron who…um, I guess heard it on the news…'

Harry clapped his hands together, "That's one problem solved!" He said happily, "Now to find the one who has cursed us with horniness…"

"I'll help!" Ron said, "I've always wanted to be a detective!"

"Sounds smexy." Hagrid said, "Good luck."

And they left.


	10. That's Gross Umbridge

**Chapter 10: That's Gross Umbridge**

The next day Harry and Ron entered The Great Hall in hopes to find Hermione or Miss Norris. And to Harry's luck he found her and Sirius in the corner doing the nasty.

"OMG! SIRIUS! YOUR ALIVE! HOLLY CRAP AND POTATOES! AND……your doing Hermione….ew." Harry said looking over to Ron.

Finishing his business, Sirius turned to Harry with a wide smile. "Hello Harry. I'm alive. And yes, I was doing one of your best friends."

Harry raced over and gave Sirius a Hug. "I cant believe it, but how?" he asked grabbing Sirius's sterling buttocks.

"What? How am I alive? Well Actually I'm not. I am not even here." He said pushing Harry off of him.

Confusion crossed Harry's face as he stared into Sirius eyes.. Staring as if he has something stuck up his nose, or as if there was something pussing out of his face. A very deep stare. "I don't understand." he said. "I don't care as long as I can see you and touch you." He said latching on to Sirius's waist. "I'll NEVER LET GO!"

Sirius's eyes widened, " No Harry, Don't touch me, Ill get a boner or something." He said pushing him off once again. Suddenly the doors burst open. Harry and the others jolted around to see Professor Umbridge walking down the isle between the tables.

It was quiet… Pausing Umbridge looked over at Harry, and then snapped her fingers…. The Lights grew dim, and the doors shut. "Its show time" she said under her incredibly horrid breath, because she hadn't brushed in 3 weeks. Getting on top of the gryffindors table, she took of her coat. Music suddenly began drifting softly into the hall. WHEN….. _"ITS RAINING MEN" _Blared through everyone's ears. Umbridge was lip sinking. She began unbuttoning her blouse while shaking her hips repeatedly.

Harry looked around to find back up dancers being lowered on wires from the ceiling, wearing thongs that sparkled in the light. Now Realizing the Umbridge was braless and her sagging boobs were flailing in the air, Harry threw up and blacked out…..which he then landed in his throw up……


	11. Cocaine Clue

-1**Chapter eleven: Cocaine Clue**

Harry woke up a few hours later and looked around. It was dark out and night had fallen and Harry was confused. He thought back to what happened before. He suddenly gagged as the image of Umbridge burst into his mind. He got up and felt something. It was fuzzy and warm. Harry lifted up his foot and looked down however, the thing was gone.

"Mrs. Norris?" Harry asked, looking around and grabbing a lamp, "Is that you?" No one answered. Harry shrugged and decided to go back to sleep.

The next day he woke up and went to find Ron. Instead, he ran into Hermione.

"Do you know where Ron is?" Harry asked her in the hall, grabbing hold of her ass as he spoke.

"No." She replied giggling, "But I'll come with you." She pushed Harry's hand off her, and they made their way into the common room. Sure enough, Ron was in the corner of the room playing tug o' war _with himself_.

"Ron!" Hermione shouted, revolted, "We need your help, so stop touching your self and pulling your penis out!"

"Sorry." He said getting up, "Are we going to interrogate people?" He asked Harry, walking over and hugging Harry for some reason.

Harry hugged back, giving Hermione a confused expression from behind Ron's shoulder. As the embrace ended, Harry nodded to Ron and Ron got all excited.

"We're going to interrogate Mrs. Norris." He told the two as they made their way down the stairs into the great hall.

"Cool! I love that pussy cat!" Ron exclaimed gleefully, doing a little jig.

"I wonder where she is?" Hermione asked, looking around as they walked past some classrooms.

Harry thought a moment and scratched his chin in thought. At last, he thought of an idea.

"She must be in the prefects bathroom." He replied, "She likes to watch people take baths."

Ron laughed, "That sounds like fun!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and they made their way to the bathroom. Once they arrived, Harry said the password to the door.

"Horny ass grabbing old midgets." Harry said. The door opened and the three stepped inside. As Harry looked around he spotted Mrs. Norris. She was in the bath and for some odd reason, she no longer had fur. It seemed she had striped off the fur when she got in the bath. She was also smoking a cigarette.

"BLOODY HELL!" Exclaimed Ron in disgust, covering his eyes.

Mrs. Norris meowed and looked up to Harry. _Good thing I can speak cat _Harry thought, bending down over the tub.

"Mrs. Norris?" He said to the cat in cat language, "Where have you been getting cocaine?"

Mrs. Norris meowed again and Ron looked to Hermione and they both shrugged. Neither one could speak cat. Ron, however, could speak rock. But that couldn't help their current situation.

So, Hermione and Ron watched as Harry and Mrs. Norris talked. About five minutes of meowing, Harry got up and walked over to the two.

"She says that she got a big ass load of cocaine from Voldemort. She said that he had some plan…" Harry explained.

"You think it has to do with the spell on the school?" Ron asked hopefully, as they left Mrs. Norris and headed out into the dining hall to eat.

"Must be." Hermione said thoughtfully, "I mean, who in their right mind would actually just give a cat packs of cocaine to put in people foods and give to them as bribes?"

"It must have been Voldemort who cursed the school of horniness!" Harry said loudly, so that Ginny heard who was walking by.

"WHAT?!" She cried out, stopping in front of Harry, "Did I hear you right? Voldemort made us horny and high?"

Harry sighed and nodded, "Looks like it…Didn't you wonder why everyone was acting weird?"

Ginny shrugged, "I thought it was an April fools joke spell…:"

"ITS NOT EVEN APRIL!" Harry shouted.

"My calendar said it was…" Ginny replied, frowning and full of confusion.

"OMG!" Harry suddenly said, "Voldemort messed up our calendars! He could have broken in and flipped the pages ahead, to make us think it was a different day then it really was! OH, IT'S ON NOW AND IT'S PERSONAL!"


	12. Unexpected Combustion

**Chapter 12: Unexpected combustion**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione raced down to Voldies' pink house, pushing the snow white critters out of the way. Knocking on the door, harry itched his balls and Hermione pushed up her supple breast.

Suddenly, the door creaked open to reveal Voldemort in a pink spandex jump suit, "hello children!" he said with a smile, "care for some cookies?"

Pushing his way through, Harry sat on Voldies couch and Ron and Hermione followed.

"We know Voldemort! about you and how you put the spell on the entire school." Harry said, waving his index finger as he talked, "Wait! WHY IS YOUR COUCH SO LUMPY?"

Harry swiftly got up and looked under the cushions. To his surprise he found two little people tied up and gagged.

"FRODO? SAM?" Harry bellowed, disgusted.

The two hobbits jumped up and hobbled out the door. Voldemort got up and poured some tea.

"Listen not everything you hear is true!" Voldemort bellowed. "Listen! I think it's time you know, it's all a lie! It's a conspiracy! You're not even real! but you are, you're..."

Voldemort suddenly burst into flames and he began to fun around on fire. "AHH! a conspiracy! AHGHGH!"

Voldemort died...and it was painful.

The next few days flew by as everyone mourned for the lost of Voldie. Dumbledore locked his self up in his room for days. Even Voldies' lover the wonderful play dough sensation Gumbie showed up for his funeral. Yes it was sad times at Hogwarts. Sad sad times...

so sad, that Neville Lonbottom offed himself with a pistol he had hidden in his behind...

Sad, sad times...


	13. The Duel and The Forgetful Harry

-1**Chapter Unknown: The duel and the forgetful Harry**

Days went by, more slowly than usual, but they still past. It was hard for the entire school to go through such a tragic and horrific event, that changed lives forever. But it past. Things at Hogwarts always seemed to pass with time. Even Harry, who was going through some hard Puberty Phases ….

He just waited it out and they past, although now he has like an "A" cup breast size, and hair on his back.

It was Christmas now, as Harry walked along the quiet hallway of Hogwarts. This was the weirdest school year at School he had ever had. And it was definitely the raunchiest.

BAM!

Harry bolted around to see Draco Malfoy, and his two cronies Crabbe and Goyle, standing in a Charlie's Angels position (Like on the Movie).

"POTTER! YOU ARE IN FOR A ROUGH NIGHT!" said Draco, with a smirk upon his face.

Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other before swiftly jumping up into the air and doing weird karate moves.

"W.T.F." said Harry.

"OMG POTTER, Its not W.T.F. Its 'what the fuck' don't use that stupid computer shit with me, now prepare to duel." Malfoy yelled, after whipping out his penis. Harry stood there for a moment before realizing what was going on. (Harry was always a little slower than other people). Quickly he whipped his out as well. They stood next to each other….ANGER IN THEIR EYES……

"Scared Potter?" Asked Malfoy.

"You Wish….okay maybe a little." cried Harry.

They began to count off.

One…

Two…

THREE!

They suddenly let out a release of Urine, streaming across the hallway.

"HA HA Potter! Mine is going farther than yours…I bet at this rate, I'll be able to get it to the wall!" Yelled Malfoy, intensely pushing out his golden pee.

Moments of INTENSE INTENSITY went by when suddenly Harry ran out of juice.

"Ha Potter you can never beat me!" Draco gloated, still peeing heavily.

Harry looked around his eyes tearful. Turning around he ran down the corridor crying…..crying like a like a girl too………

The next day Harry walked into the wall mistaking it for a door. Shaking his ass off he entered the Great Hall expecting to see Ron or Hermione. But to his surprise they were no where in sight. Looking around the entire castle they were still not to be found. When suddenly it hit him. What was today? It was December 14, Hermione's Birthday!!!

"Oh! They must be at the strip bar." Harry said to himself. Grabbing his broom and a few condoms Harry jumped out the window headed for the FUCKING SLUTY GIRLZ bar.


	14. Random Kinky Fun

-1**Chapter 14 - Random Kinky Fun**

"Dammit." Harry muttered to himself flying quickly on his broom, condoms in hand, and on his way to the Sluty Bar. He had promised Hermione that he'd give her a present that she'd never forget, but now…

He was having second thoughts. Harry thought back to the night when he and Mrs. Norris had it going on and wondered if anyone could do him like she did…

Harry arrived two minutes before the appointed time and he carefully stashed his laser pink condoms in his bra and took a deep breath, preparing himself for the best night ever…

He opened the door and immediately got sweaty. The whole room was full of sluty girlz! Harry's tongue rolled out of his mouth, and he began to pant like a wild dog, as all of his condoms fell out of his chest pocket.

"Harry!" A voice shouted suddenly from across the room.

Harry's tongue went back into his mouth he picked up his condoms as he spotted Hermione coming towards him. Harry immediately starting panting again. Hermione was wearing a back leather thong, black knee length boots and a yellow feathery bra.

"Nice…um…nice…outfit." Harry drooled, dropping the condoms again. Ron appeared then and laughed at Harry's reaction.

"She's pretty sexy tonight, huh?" Ron said with a grin as Hermione blushed, pushing up her boobs.

"So," Hermione started, pulling Harry and Ron to a table and grabbing them some Witzers (special wizards beer) "Harry, you going to show me a side of yourself I've never seen before?"

Harry gulped loudly and took a sip of some Witzer. He felt as though he was cheating on Mrs. Norris somehow…

"Hell yes!" Shouted Harry suddenly, dragging Hermione out her chair and they rushed to the nearest empty room, which coincidently, wasn't hard to find.

As they left the table, Ron shouted out "Have fun!" As he grabbed the waitresses ass.

As Hermione and Harry entered their secret room, Harry began to sweat out of nerves. Hermione, however, lay herself on the bed that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere…

"Well, c'mon Harry." Hermione beckoned, "Help me take the bra off." She indicated at her breasts which suddenly grew in size.

Harry rushed over to her and began to undo the straps. Hermione giggled as he did so and then, with a snap, the bra came off and then….

A giant wolf jumped out!

"Ah! HOLY CRAP AND POTATOES!" Harry screamed as the wolf started to attack him.

"Isn't this kinky?" Hermione laughed as Harry yelled in agony as the wolf ripped off Harry's left hand…

Blood gushed everywhere and Harry passed out, falling face first in a pile of dung that wasn't there a moment ago…


	15. Dirty Nipples

-1**Chapter 15: Dirty Nipples**

Slowly, and cautiously Hermione and Ron dragged Harry by the boner to the Hospital Wing. Leaving him behind, Harry was alone. He sighed. What was he going to do without a left hand? He couldn't touch himself properly anymore.

Suddenly the doors flew open to reveal Madam Pomfrey, the schools nurse. "HARRY! You troublesome, stupid, God Damn Sexy boy. What has happened?" She asked leaning over him, breasts exposed.

"I was about to have sex with Hermione, when a wolf jumped out and, while very kinky… I'll admit, bit off my hand."

"Oh, my. You are kinky you scrumptious little piece of teenage ass. Well I think I can mend that. But first I think I'll need something in return." She said ripping off her clothes and jumping in bed with him. Harry screamed and pushed her out.

"No! I know what I did was wrong, but still I believe deep down in my heart, Mrs. Norris can forgive me. I mean, I know I haven't talked to her, in a while, but still! OUR LOVE IS PURE! And you, Madame Pomfrey! HOW DARE YOU SHOW OFF YOU PLUMP SEXYNESS! TRYING TO TEMPT ME! NOW BE GONE!" He yelled.

Later on in night, Madam Pomfrey tried to get in Harry's bed 3 times, before sadly giving up. The next morning Harry awoke to a new hand staring him in his face. It was a nice looking hand, but looking at Harry realized something was…..kind of wrong….hmmm. Was it that the finger nails were painted red? No. Was it the fact the hand was ultimately black…no…..Suddenly it him….it wasn't a left hand.. Harry had two right hands!!!!!!!

"OMG!" Harry squealed in a Mexican Woman's accent.

The following weeks went by with nothing out of the ordinary happening. Everyone seemed to accept the fact the Voldemort was gone, even if it was the hardest thing they had ever done. But they desperately anticipated his RETURN in Chapter 17 entitled "Voldies Back." Yes that chapter of their story, was eagerly looked forward too.

Dancing around to Britney Spears "I'm a Slave for you" in a pair of Spandex Pants, Harry practiced for the schools annual "YOU GOT SERVED" competition, next Monday. He couldn't wait. He, Ron, and Hermione were gonna serve Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle with all they had. It was going to be spectacular.

Later in the evening Harry, Ron and Hermione, settled by a tree over looking the Hogwarts Lake. It was a beautiful site, watching as the Lake Monsters get it on with the Merpeople.

"So we are really going to dance our hearts out, right guys?" asked Ron, showing his spirit fingers.

"Well, I should think so," Hermione answered, "But Harry, you have to keep practicing the part where you bare your ass and glitter comes out!"

"Hey! My ass is ready!" Barked Harry. Suddenly the sound of someone stepping on a twig emerged from behind them.

"Well, well, well." said a tall Lucius Malfoy, "Already talking over the competition, that my boy has already won."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked with a look of suspicion.

"What I mean is that he has it in the bag. You see we have a secret weapon." replied Lucius with a wide smile.

"You have nothing!" yelled Ron, making a constipated look, "We are going to win, because we have ASS GLITTER!!!!!"

"Oh my…Well Draco has something much better than 'ass glitter', he has….me."

It was silent for a while, as the shock of Lucius's words filled there heads.

"No. Not you." said Harry.

"Yes! Me. Winner of 69 Hokey Poky Competitions…. I rip the dance floor up. I bring it on like donkey Kong, BITCH!" He cried, ripping off his shirt to reveal three horrendously dirty nipples. Hermione Screamed. Staring at them. Ron swore he saw one of the nipples wink. Harry fainted.


	16. The You Got Served Competition

-1**Chapter 16: You got Served Competition**

The day was here at last. It was the day that Ron, Harry, and Hermione were going to serve Draco and his father. The three prepared their ass glitter act and hurried down to the Great Hall and awaited their turn to shake their sexy chunks of teenage asses. Draco and his father went up first, doing the most crude dance one has ever seen. Everyone nearly puked when at the end, Lucius did a lap dance with Draco and frenched kissed for their finale which lasted about ten minutes.

"I admit, it was somewhat of a turn on…" Ron commented, watching Lucius and Draco bow as their thongs went up their asses exposing their white cheeks, "But it's our turn now!" Ron got so excited that he wet himself and had to hurry back up to the dormitories to refresh his underwear and the glitter that was seeping down his leg.

Finally, Ron returned and it was the trios turn to dance. Hermione took of her clothes revealing the most revealing thing ever known to man kind and Harry just stripped completely while Ron wore a Santa outfit because he had peed on his original costume and had nothing else to wear. All three danced their sexy bods off, and once and awhile, if one of the three farted, glitter burst forward and landed on the audience who thought it was the coolest thing ever.

"Daddy, Daddy!" A little boy said to his father in the front row, "I want some of that ass glitter!"

The man looked down at that boy and frowned, "Who the hell are you? You're not my son! Hell, you're too young to even attend this school, go away!" And took out a broom from within his pants and swatted the boy away as Hermione, Ron and Harry finished their dance. Everyone applauded, and they won first prize.

After one more time of squirting ass glitter on everyone, they left the great hall and went back into their dormitories. As they arrived, Hedwig was waiting for them on the table with a note in her beak and a condom attached to her foot.

"What the hell Hedwig?" Harry said to his owl, "I thought you died in chapter 3 of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows? Why have you come back?"

"I have a note from Dumbledore." The owl said in a deep, male Mexican accent, "He sends this condom as a good luck gift. Also," She added, "He doesn't want Hermione to have kids just yet…"

Hermione scowled at the owl and took out her wand and poked Hedwig in the eye. Hedwig squealed and left, leaving the note and pink glittery condom behind.

Ron picked up the note and read it out loud, "Dear sexy puberty laden students of mine.."

"Wait!" Harry said after a moment, "I thought Dumbledore was dead!"

The other two shrugged and Ron continued to read, "It seems that Voldie is the only one who can fix the curse placed upon the school that is making us all horny (because he was the one who placed the curse in the first place. He is such a stupid white assed bastard). I need you three (and possibly any one else is going to get involved) to find the three Hallows that will unlock something that should bring Voldie back…"

"I thought that the Hallows thing was over?" Hermione said, picking a scab from her elbow and eating it.

Ron continued to read the note, "These Hallows are different. They are not Deathly, they are SEXAY! The three items are, a pink condom, which I have already conveniently given you and the other two are a douche bag and a vibrating banana."

"That's all it says." Ron said, finishing the letter.

"What the fudge brownies are we suppose to do with those items?" Harry asked Ron as he slowly took off his pants.

"Maybe we're suppose to have a kinky party?" Ron suggested, eyeing Harry with interest.

"If that doesn't work, at least we can have fun with the party…" Hermione said, slapping Ron's ass and looking frisky.


	17. Voldie's Back

**Chapter 17- Voldie's Back**

"What a load of waffle." yawned Ron, rolling over in his sleep.

Harry lay in his bed full of teenage angst, and confusion. They need to find the SEXAY hallows before it was too late. Harry knew that if they didn't get the last two Hallows by the end of chapter 17 everyone would be disappointed because the chapter is called VOLDIES BACK and if he doesn't find them, the chapter name would be a lie.

He closed his eyes and sniffed his armpit. When suddenly it hit him. He knew how to get the SEXAY hallows. He knew deep down what had to be done. He had to kill Hermione.

Creeping down the stairs making sure not to wake any of his fellow Orgy members. When in the common room, he cleared his throat and yelled at the top of his lungs, "HERMIONE!"

The sounds of footsteps could be heard stampeding down the stairs. Harry walked closer the archway, when a UGLY CONFUSED BEWILDERED WARTHOG LIKE THING APPEARED!

HARRY YELLED AS LOUD AS HE COULD. IT FRIGHTENED HIM, IT LOOKED LIKE WAS GOING TO HURT HIM, OR TAKE A POOP OR SOMETHING…..when it spoke.

"Harry calm down!" said the beast.

"HERMIONE?" croaked a terrified Harry.

"Yes." came Hermiones voice.

"WHY ARE YOU SOO SCARY AND DE FORMED?!" cried harry tears pouring down his cheeks,

Hermione laughed, "Because I don't have any makeup on!" said Hermione, "Now whats the problem?"

Harry took a deep breath before slowing saying, "YOU HAVE TO DIE!"

Hermion went into shock before whispering, "why?"

Harry took another deep breath, because humans have to have oxygen to survive….. "I have to kill you to find the SEXAY hallows…. Do you understand?" he asked.

Hermiones face turned into a smile, "Well of course I understand." Hermione closed her eyes tightly, and shaked her ass.

"Good. AVADA KEDAVRA!" cried harry. A flash of green light erupted into the common room.

Hermione was dead.

Ron ran into the room looking terrified. He screamed looking at Hermione. "WHY DID YOU KILL HER!?" he bellowed.

"I killed her because…..uhh…..well… TO FIND THE SEXAY HALLOWS!" Harry stood up tall and flexed his muscles.

"HOW IN THE HELL WILL KILLING HERMIONE HELP ANYTHING!?" ron asked terrified.

"I uh….hmmm.." harry looked confused. He thought he had it all planned out. He would kill Hermione then he would…. HE HADNT THOUGHT THAT FAR!

Ron rolled his eyes. "IM GOING TO TELL ON YOU!"

Harry pointed his wand at Ron, "NO YOUR NOT! IM GONNA TELL ON YOU FIRST!"

Ron rocketed out of the portrait and down to the sixth floor. Harry hot on his trail.

ACTION MUSIC FILLED THE HALLS!

As he ran ron noticed that his converse were untied so he stopped in the middle of being pursuited by harry, to tie them. HARRY CAUGHT RON BY THE COLLAR!

"WAIT A MINUTE!" cried Harry, "If the Sexay Hallows can bring Voldemort back to life and stuff why not Hermione as well?"

Ron scratched his ass.

"All we have to do is find the douche and the vibrating banana and then Hermione is alive again. And then the Horny will stop as well, and me you Hermione and Voldie can all live happily every after! What do you say to that?"

It only took one word from Rons mouth to make Harry smile, "ORGY?"

"We can have all the orgies in the world!" said harry.

Ron smiled. He always liked orgies.

But how were they going to get the SEXAY Hallows. Harry's mind was clouded.

Harry also had a boner….

(END OF CHAPTER 17)


	18. Blood & Guts

**Chapter 18- Blood & Guts**

"OMG!" Harry exclaimed suddenly the next morning while he and Ron ate breakfast in the Great Hall, "I just realized that I had to kill you in order to gain the Sexay Hallows, not kill Hermione. My god…I'm a totally freaking whimsical fairy…"

Harry grabbed a dagger from his buttocks and pointed it at Ron. Ron gasped and fell out of his seat and a bowl of MAGICALLY DELICIOUS lucky charms crashed into his face.

"Harry?!" Ron cried, "Please, you'll regret it later!"

Harry licked his lips, "You don't know how long I've waited for this…."

Ron closed his eyes as Harry cut Ron's clothes off and then chopped Ron into tiny, tiny pieces…

Afterwards, Harry sprinkled the remaining pieces into his syrup for his pancakes and he sat back down as if nothing happened. Coincidently, no one seemed to notice the crazy and bloody murder that had just taken place…

"Hey Harry!" Ginny called, sitting beside Harry and somehow not noticing the dagger and the blood all over the floor, "Where's Ron and Hermione?"

Harry giggled, "They went bye-bye!" He said with a smile and picking up his dagger again. Ginny smiled and ate some blue berry muffins, ignoring the dagger Harry was waving around manically. After eating some breakfast, Harry headed on out. He had to find the Sexay Hallows quickly. Now that Ron and Hermione were dead, he had no doubt that the Hallows would appear. As soon as he reached the bathroom and took a whiz, the douche and the vibrating banana appeared before him in his pee.

"Wicked sweet!" Harry said ecstatically, holding up the two precious items and then pulling out the condom from his pocket, "I now have the 3 Sexay Hallows!"

Triumphant music plays from one of the stalls as Harry heads for Dumbledore's office

On his way to the Headmaster's office, he ran into Hagrid and just because he was feeling very happy at the moment, he snuck up behind him and chopped his hairy head off. Hagrid didn't know what hit him.

"I'll bring you back to life later Hagrid…" Harry told the dead body on the floor with a smile as he continued on his way.

After what felt like 5 minutes of walking (however it took him an hour and half to reach the office due to Harry's killing frenzy) he arrived at the Headmaster's office. He entered in high spirits and he was covered in blood.

"Hello, Harry!" Dumbledore said cheerfully, "I see you have managed to gain the 3 Sexay Hallows. Bravo! I also see that you enjoy killing people…remind me to stay away from you in the future…"

"But you're already dead…" Harry commented, fingering his dagger and accidentally cutting his pinky off, but not noticing.

Dumbledore nodded, "Who knows?"

"Anyway," Dumbledore continued casually, "Give me the Hallows and I will perform the spell thingy that shall bring Voldie back into our orgy infested school and put it right."

Harry handed the Hallows to Dumbledore and Dumbledore laughed.

"You're such a moron, Harry." Dumbledore told Harry once he had the Hallows into his possession, "Now I have the power of SEXINESS. I will never give you these back again and our school shall forever be doused in HORNYNESS."

Harry gasped, "Oh my itchy privates! I can't believe I have been tricked!"

Dumbledore stripped and continued to laugh as he turned on the vibrating banana.

Harry frowned. He wasn't going to let Dumbledore get away with this. He took out his wand and shouted, "YAPYAPYAPDOODLE!" And Dumbledore died. In a big pile of furry kiwi. Harry grabbed his Hallows and jumped out the window. However, he forgot that the office was at least 35 stories high….

And then he realized as he fell through the sky in slow motion, that in the end, he was unable to bring Voldie back in the last chapter…


	19. The Sexay Hallows Activated

**Chapter 19- The Sexay Hallows Activated**

As Harry fell slowly in slow motion his life began to fly past his eyes. But he didn't understand something… He didn't get that during most of HARRY POTTER AND THE CONSPIRACY there were no references about the last installment of the Harry Potter Series, until chapter 16, so I one of the authors , is about to explain….. - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was not released until after chapter 15 so Harry is at Hogwarts even though in the end of the book he is in his thirties….just deal with it and go with the flow- ……………..

Harry thought about this for a minute and when finally coming to terms that his life is now a dirty and raunchy fan fiction he smiled and shrugged it off. He had more important things to worry about. He was falling and was about to die. Thank god it was in slow motion. Now realizing what had to be done about the SEXAY hallows he slipped on the pink condom, shoved the douche up his ass, whilst slowing sucking on the vibrating banana, WHEN IT HAPPENED. HE HAD ACTIVATED THE SEXAY HALLOWS! HE WAS NOW ALL POWERFUL…. A SEX MACHINE with a clean vagina due to the douche. HE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING! All around him shifted. He was no longer falling from Dumbledore's office, he was now sitting in the middle of the great hall.

"HARRY!" cried a voice. Harry turned around to find a bushy pubic haired teenager running toward him.

"HERMIONE!" cried Harry, wrapping his boner around her as a sign of affection, "How was death!?"

"Great! I saw a lot of cows, and ate some all kinds of sushi!" she said with a smile.

Harry walked away as if bored of Hermione's face. They were back from death…Yippie. Whatever. He was now master of sex n stuff. He wanted to try it out, when he saw him….Voldemort standing by a window covered in what appeared to be baby oil. He rubbed his nipples slowly then looked at towards Harry. It was going to be a good night….. Ron and Dumbledore were alive too. They had actually brought back sushi from the afterlife and enjoyed it while filch rubbed himself for there entertainment.


End file.
